Chapter XII.
The answer telling how a solitary can discover his
faults.
John
: To those who are really
seeking relief, healing remedies from the true Physician of souls will
certainly not be wanting; and to those above all will they be given who
do not disregard their ill-condition (either because they despair of
it, or because they do not care about it), nor hide the danger they are
in from their wound, nor in their wanton heart reject the remedy of
penitence, but with an humble and yet careful heart flee to the
heavenly Physician for the diseases they have contracted from ignorance
or error or necessity. And so we ought to know that if we retire to
solitude or secret places, without our faults being first cured, their
operation is but repressed, while the power of feeling them is not
extinguished. For the root of all sins not having been eradicated is
still lying hid in us, or rather creeping up, and that it is still
alive we can tell by these signs. For instance, if, when we are living
in solitude we receive the approach of some brethren, or any very
slight tarrying on their part, with any anxiety or fretfulness of mind,
we should recognize that an incentive to the most hasty impatience is
still existing in us. But if when we are hoping for the coming of a
brother, and from some cause he perhaps delays a little, our mental
indignation either silently blames his slowness, and annoyance at this
inconvenient waiting disturbs our mind, the examination of our
conscience will show that the sin of anger and vexation is plainly
still remaining in us. Again, if when a brother asks for our book to
read, or for some other article to use, his request annoys us, or a
refusal on our part disgusts him, there can be no doubt that we are
still entangled in the meshes of avarice or covetousness. But if a
sudden thought or a passage of Holy Scripture brings up the
recollection of a woman and we feel that we are at all attracted
towards her, we should know that the fire of fornication is not yet
extinguished in us. But if on a comparison of our own strictness with
the laxity of another even the slightest conceit tries our mind, it is
clear that we are affected with the dreadful plague of pride. When then
we detect these signs of faults in our heart, we should clearly
recognize that it is only the opportunity and not the passion of sin of
which we are deprived. And certainly these passions, if at any time we
were to mingle in the ordinary life of men, would at once start up from
their lurking places in our thoughts and prove that they did not then
for the first time come into existence when they broke out, but that
they were then at last made public, because they had been long lying
hid. And so even a solitary can detect by sure signs that the roots of
each fault are still implanted in him, if he tries not to show his
purity to men, but to maintain it inviolate in His sight, from whom no
secrets of the heart can be hid.